Post #3: Dealing

I had great expectations when I started this blog. Expectations about how I was going to rock with all of my Forrest Yoga homework. Expectations about how I was going to start teaching immediately. Expectations about how I was going to practice religiously every day. Expectations, many expectations.

I was dealt a different deck of cards that changed and threw all of my expectations out the window.

I got the swine flu first. Then I was confronted with the challenges of life back in Chicago. Feeling really disconnected with my friends and family, and then greeted with a very unexpected break-up with my boyfriend. My time on the mat, my teachers/mentors Steve and Talya, and the Turbodog community were essential blessings of support from the Universe.

After the first mentorship workshop, I began to realize that I was very confused by all the information that I had received during the training. Especially in regards to what I like to label as "energy sensitivities" and I felt very overwhelmed with teaching and the prospect of teaching. I also began to feel a lot of pressure about teaching from people outside of my community. "Anne, when are you going to start teaching?" "Anne, where are you teaching?" It was as if without even publicizing myself, I had become a teacher. With this new information, came lots of questions. From other people, but more importantly from myself.

Last week I did a 2 day teacher training with Steve and Talya at Turbodog Spirit Center, and I was finally able to start putting my own emotions in front of me. And I started questioning what I was feeling, and started to say, "I am feeling me even if it is coming from someone else. It is a part of me." The notion of being an empath had really, excuse my French, "fucked me up." Labeling myself was one of the most dark and scary things that I've done in a long time.

I have gifts, but I do not know any label that goes with my gifts nor am I willing to say that my gifts are anything extraordinary, but rather they are a part of me. Just as a Michael Jordan's gift to play basketball was a part of him. I am Anne, and I need to learn more about what that means.

So I have decided to put on some training wheels. I will learn how to ride this teaching bicycle when it is my time, but for now I must relish the joys of training to become one. And to appreciate the "nowness" and "newness" of each new experience and lesson.

It's hard to deal. It's hard to deal with the truth sometimes. It's hard to be yourself. It's hard to listen to yourself. It's even hard to trust yourself. Knowing that you don't have to do it all at once, is for me an incredible relief. Knowing that I don't have to be the best immediately, or to be the leader, is  a huge weight off my shoulders.

So I'm taking it slow. I'm giving myself time to learn to gain my own ground as a teacher. I want to start off by learning the energetic space of a classroom and what it means to be a teacher rather than a student. I want to know how to lead. To know how to listen. To know how to see. To do all this for my students because it is not about me when I am teaching. To be able to provide that space without it taking away from myself....I feel is the way to become a teacher.

Right now I am still a student. I will always be a student, but I need to start becoming a better teacher to myself before I can become a teacher for others.

Peace
Anne